Yeah, but what colour sauce should we use?

Those clever boffins at Leeds University have been putting their funding to good use by calculating a formula to create the perfect bacon sandwich. So if you're feeling a bit peckish, this is all you need:

...two or three back bacon rashers should be cooked under a preheated oven grill for seven minutes at about 240C (475F).

The bacon should then be placed between two slices of farmhouse bread, 1cm to 2cm thick.

I'd never have thought of doing that. Brilliant, these food scientists.

I certainly couldn't use this to achieve the same result:

N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta, where N=force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon, fb=function of the bacon type, fc=function of the condiment/filling effect, Ts=serving temperature, tc=cooking time, ta=time or duration of application of condiment/filling, cm=cooking method, C=Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.

I used to have a cooker which featured a Newton scale, but all my ready meals had instructions in Kelvins, so I got rid of it. What a fool, eh?

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In the (somewhat forlorn) hope that this bacon breakthrough will prompt further pursuit of culinary perfection I will offer a special prize* to anyone who can come up with a formula or recipe for the following:

1. a cup of coffee anyone would want to drink (inside the UK)
2. a cup of tea anyone would want to drink (rest of the world)

It can't be that hard chaps. Jump to it!

*a lock of my hair (from my head, not the plughole, I promise)