Kilgore Trout RIP

Kurt Vonnegut is dead. So it goes.

Go and read some of his books and join the granfalloon of Vonnegut fans. You won't regret it.

I'd recommend Cat's Cradle or Slaughterhouse V as a starter, but Breakfast of Champions and Hocus-Pocus are also rather good.

Here's a quote to get you started:

"No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's..."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle."

Yeah, but what colour sauce should we use?

Those clever boffins at Leeds University have been putting their funding to good use by calculating a formula to create the perfect bacon sandwich. So if you're feeling a bit peckish, this is all you need:

...two or three back bacon rashers should be cooked under a preheated oven grill for seven minutes at about 240C (475F).

The bacon should then be placed between two slices of farmhouse bread, 1cm to 2cm thick.

I'd never have thought of doing that. Brilliant, these food scientists.

I certainly couldn't use this to achieve the same result:

N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta, where N=force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon, fb=function of the bacon type, fc=function of the condiment/filling effect, Ts=serving temperature, tc=cooking time, ta=time or duration of application of condiment/filling, cm=cooking method, C=Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.

I used to have a cooker which featured a Newton scale, but all my ready meals had instructions in Kelvins, so I got rid of it. What a fool, eh?

---

In the (somewhat forlorn) hope that this bacon breakthrough will prompt further pursuit of culinary perfection I will offer a special prize* to anyone who can come up with a formula or recipe for the following:

1. a cup of coffee anyone would want to drink (inside the UK)
2. a cup of tea anyone would want to drink (rest of the world)

It can't be that hard chaps. Jump to it!

*a lock of my hair (from my head, not the plughole, I promise)

New Blogger and the opening spot

Wow, after many moons, I've been transfered to the "new" Blogger.

I doubt this will increase the quality of the posts, but it may improve things in other ways. We'll see.

Anyway, as I listen to England struggling against Australia (again) I can't help thinking how things might be different if this man were in the Caribbean.

Jam today and tomorrow

Dear all,

I realised a dream today.

A dream that is shared by all young boys, but takes time to accomplish.

Yes, I did something for the first time which just might change my life forever.

You've guessed it, I drove a tractor!

More impressively, I safely negotiated a number of small trees in the field (swerving to avoid them, not running them over) and kept the big orange monster out of the stream running nearby.

This has put me in a thoroughly good mood, increased by the fact I'm off on holiday to Spain tomorrow. I'll finally get to see Picasso's "Guernica", which has wowed readers of English coursebooks for years.

To celebrate my bonhomie, a short but sweet cartoon from the little mole:



More blogging in a week or so.

Qualified success

As the England football team stumbles hopelessly and goallessly forward under the leadership of the braying, orange Steve McClaren, a man who clearly wants to spend the summer of 2008 watching the Olympics from his luxury mansion rather than the European Championships from the intimate confines of the dugout, I can report some actual successes on the sporting field.

Firstly I should congratulate the England cricket team who have, for the first time since 1992, avoided being knocked out in the first round of a world cup. This means a guaranteed six more matches in the super 8 stage and with any luck a couple of victories, against Ireland and Bangladesh. To get to the semis we'll have to beat one or two of the big boys. I'd say we have a chance against the Windies, but I think we'll struggle against South Africa, Australia and Sri Lanka. I'm sticking with my tip of NZ to win the thing overall.

Secondly, Portugal have achieved their aim of qualifying for the rugby world cup. You may recall I went to see the home leg a fortnight ago, where they defeated Uruguay 12-5. Well, they lost the return in Montevideo 18-12 last night, but got through 24-23 on aggregate. Congratulations to them - it's good to see rugby growing in popularity around the world - although I doubt they'll record a positive result in a group including New Zealand, Italy, Scotland and Romania. Well, perhaps against Scotland.

Hitting the right note

Danny Finkelstein is looking for right-wing music. Beyond the obvious Wagner or Elvis and the string-em-up tendencies of the Gilbert and Sullivan set, the cupboard is a little bare. Danny’s inspiration for this was the American rocker, Ted Nugent, who is a prominent member of the National Rifle Association.

By coincidence, I saw Nugent the other day on “Cribs”, MTV’s version of "Through the Keyhole", where overpaid musicians and actors expose their appalling lack of decorative taste. As with most Cribbers, Nugent has a large pad with more TVs than anyone could realistically watch. Unlike the Timberlakes and Timbalands of this world, though, Ted Nugent’s house is adorned with the paraphernalia and trophies of his life’s passion: hunting. A zebra’s head peers from out of the hall wall across at a Canadian black bear, and there are more guns and bows than a small army would need. “I’m just living the American dream,” he says. Truly Ted Nugent is a musical voice on the right of the political spectrum.

Who else could we put in this category? Well, there’s a certain Thatcherite sentiment to ABBA’s "The Winner Takes it All" (belying the notion that all Swedes are happy socialists), balanced by Nick Berry’s strictly Old Labour "Every Loser Wins". And several successful artists have relocated over the years to avoid paying exorbitant tax rates in the UK: one can assume they are opponents of “big” government. These names include Led Zeppelin and Phil Collins (how many were inspired to vote Labour when he promised to leave the country if they got in? I know I was). Abroad, the situation is the same – legendary Frenchman, Jonny Hallyday is living in Switzerland to reduce his tax burden, and, while extolling the virtues of giving to the needy, Bono and his U2 chums have moved their business interests to the Netherlands to cut the amount they have to give to the Exchequer.

Back to the main point, though, I think there is only one winner in the right-wing music stakes. Reminiscent of Engelbert Humperdinck’s priceless “Lesbian Seagull”, below we have former US Attorney General, John Ashcroft, singing his own “Let the Eagle Soar”, a paean to the best of the United States. Lest we forget, Ashcroft was appointed by Dubya as Attorney General after he lost his Senate seat to a dead man in the 2000 election. Suffice to say the dead man probably has a better ear for a tune too. Apologies for the wobbly camera, I think the person videoing this is laughing quite heartily.



And for some right-wing comedians, that other rare beast, click here.

The lowest form of transport

England attempt to get their World Cup campaign back on track this afternoon against Canada, but will do so without their talismanic all-rounder, Freddie Flintoff, who has been dropped for a "breach of team discipline".

According to reports, Flintoff capsized a pedalo and had to be rescued from the chilly depths in the middle of the night. There can be no more pathetic vehicle on land or sea (not even a golf cart) and somehow this story sums up the sad state of English cricket, which is listing desperately at the moment and could be holed below the water line by the Canucks this afternoon.

Although, I enjoyed Bangladesh (I think I predicted they might beat India?)and Ireland emerging victorious yesterday, I hope they don't provide too much inspiration for our maple-syrup glugging cousins. News is they've won the toss and put us in. Let's try to get a big score and take a step closer to the Super 8s.

Bloody Blogger etc

Will try to post regularly over the next few weeks, but Blogger is quite temperamental in terms of letting me log in and actually do anything useful.

While I'm allowed access at the moment, I'll just say well done to the West Indies for their victory yesterday (told you Pakistan weren't up to much) and good luck to the Jocks against Australia this afternoon.

Yesterday I used the Elton John classic, Rocket Man, in one of my classes. Thus I am honour-bound to post this reworking by a famous space captain. Enjoy...

2007 World Cup 2: Cricket

Sixteen nations. Twelve grounds in nine countries. Seven weeks. Fifty-one matches. One winner.

That's the Cricket World Cup in numbers, but how will it play out? I am, of course, looking forward to it immensely, as I think most cricket fans are. It's much too long, due to a schedule that prevents more than one match taking place on any particular day, but as a tournament, it's almost completely wide open, which should provide us with some great cricket over the next few weeks.

Here's my hastily cobbled together preview:

I suppose that, despite their recent defeats to England and New Zealand, Australia just about enter the tourney as favourites. They have experience and quality throughout their team and cannot be written off by anyone. However, there is some question about their bowling, with Brett Lee out, and Glenn McGrath at the end of his career. A lot will be expected of Nathan Bracken and Stuart Clark (a great record in tests, but less good in the short form). Ponting, Gilchrist and Hussey are the backbone of a great batting lineup.

England will have some confidence from their recent success in Australia and will be boosted by the return of Kevin Pietersen to the side. If he and Flintoff can hit top form, we'll be able to chase most targets and post challenging ones for other teams. The major weakness is a lack of experience amongst the squad, with only two 100 cap players (Flintoff and Collingwood). We also lack an attacking presence at the top of the batting order, which means we could get bogged down in the scoring. However, the pitches in the West Indies are unproven and possibly tricky, so it could be an advantage to have classic batting stylists such as Bell and Vaughan who are able to build a platform on their superior technique, rather than slogging (sorry, pinch-hitting) early on. Maybe. If we can beat New Zealand on Friday, we can count ourselves in with a shout.

Conversely, the Kiwis will be among the favourites if they can beat us. Their hopes rest on the injury-prone Shane Bond. If he's fit, he'll probably be the best fast bowler in the competition and can run through teams like the proverbial through a goose. His record against the Aussies is particularly good. But, if, as so often, he gets injured, New Zealand might lack a cutting edge.

The hosts, the West Indies, are probably my second favourite team, but I'm not sure they'll make it beyond the Super 8s. They have the batsmen to cut it in the short game (Gayle, Chanderpaul, Sarwan and, of course, the peerless Brian Lara) but I don't think their bowling is world class at the moment. Still, the crowds will be behind them and their performance will dictate how successful the tournament is. I think they'll start with a win against Pakistan tomorrow.

The number one ranked team is South Africa, and they have a very strong and experienced squad. I think they could well get to the semis, and their group game against Australia could prove crucial to their chances. The question is whether they can hold their nerve when the pressure is on - something they've failed to do in the past couple of World Cups. I don't think you can write off any team that can chase 435 and win, though.

Among the teams from the sub-continent, India and Sri Lanka are strongly tipped. They are in the same group, so their game should be one of the highlights of the first round. I think both have the potential to get to the semis and slow pitches should suit their games. A spanner could be thrown in the works by Bangladesh, who are also in their group, and who are the strongest of the "outsiders". I fancy them to give India and Sri Lanka a good game and wouldn't be surprised if they came out with a victory: their medium pacers could pose a few threats on sluggish surfaces. Bizarrely, I don't fancy Pakistan to do well at all - their bowling is short without Asif and Shoaib (drugs cheats who are both injured) - although their batting can be very dangerous.

The minnows in the tournament are Bermuda, Scotland, Canada, Ireland, Kenya and Holland and they'll be happy to beat each other in the group stages. Mind you, Kenya got to the semis in bizarre circumstances last time so I suppose nothing is impossible. Ireland should have a chance to beat Zimbabwe, the weakest test nation.

So, it all kicks off tomorrow, with Windies against Pakistan. I suspect I'll be spending a lot of time on cricinfo between now and the end of April.

2007 World Cup 1: Rugby

Although most egg-chasing eyes are on the Six Nations as that particular tournament reaches its climax, those of us who don't live in the British Isles, France or Italy have to get our fix elsewhere. And what better place than Lisbon's lovely University Stadium, lined with fragrant eucalyptus and pine trees, to watch the play-off for the final place in the Rugby World Cup, to be held in France this Autumn.

Before I got here, I didn't realise they even played rugby in Portugal, let alone that the national team was actually fairly competitive. Anyway, it turns out Portugal aren't bad at all and are taking on Uruguay over two legs for a chance to play in the main event later this year.

We watched the first match yesterday (free entry and a free scarf (not necessary in the 20 degree sunshine) and in front of an enthusiastic crowd, Portugal prevailed 12-5 in a largely attritional affair. They probably just deserved the victory, taking advantage of two Uruguayan sin-binnings to score their two tries. They were a bit unfortunate to concede a late try in the final minute, but I guess it leaves things finely poised for the return leg in Montevideo in a couple of weeks.

I hope Portugal can get through, as it would be great to have a new country at the World Cup, and given their defensive strength (very well drilled, I thought) I think their noses are just ahead.

Will write about the cricket later, am now off to watch second half of Chelsea-Spurs. (C'mon you spuds!)

Champions League: Last 8 Draw

This should be good, there are three English teams left and they are the bookies' favourites for the big cup. I wonder if they can avoid each other?

- Hosted by Matthew Lorenzo, who used to be on London Tonight. Bit of a step up from Brentford against Southend.

- Boring preamble with Ludovic Guily. Yawn. Get on with it!

- They'll be drawing the semis today as well. Oh, here comes Platini - new UEFA Prezz. He's giving the cup to the mayor of Athens (where the final will be held at the end of May). A chap called Timon, apparently.

- Timon has a fetching orange tie. It's rather more exciting than his speech. Phew, he's finished.

- Who will have their hands on the balls? It's none other than a bald bloke and a bloke with hair. I think one is the Tango man.

- Ex-Leicester star Theo Zagorakis is now chewing the fat with Lorenzo. When will they draw the thing?

- Aha, Tango man is presenting. Hair man and Theo will pull out the teams. The audience of journos and club chairmen is struggling to stay awake.

- After nearly 20 minutes, we're ready to go:

AC Milan v. Bayern Munich - A clash of the titans first up. Rather increases the chance of Liverpool v Chelsea

PSV Eindhoven v. Liverpool - Yeah, woo! Excellent! Should win this one no probs. Of course, that's what Arsenal said last time. Good draw for the reds, though.

AS Roma v. Manchester United -The English teams have avoided each other. United will fancy their chances here.

Chelsea v. Valencia - A tricky assignment for Mourinho and co, but I think they'll win over two legs.

- Now for the semi-final pairings:

Chelsea or Valencia v. PSV or Liverpool - if Liverpool do get through, Benitez will play his old club, or his nemesis, Mourinho. He'd love it if he beat them.

Milan or Bayern v. Roma or Man Utd - tough route for United to get to the final, but I'd still tip them to do so.

- I don't believe this, they're drawing the final, too. Surprise, surprise, it's the winners of semi-final 2 against the winners of semi-final 1.

- Thank god that's over. Let's hope the matches themselves are more exciting than this nonsense.

Those Oscars in brief

Well done to Martin Scorsese for finally winning a little gold statuette after so many years of failure. I accidentally watched "The Departed" last night (I'd intended to see "The Last King of Scotland", as I've always been interested in James I/VI, but the bus was late so I plumped for next best choice) and was pleasantly surprised. Not that it's a pleasant film, with lots of shootings and Alec Baldwin, but it is well written and directed, and probably deserves the gongs it's received.

The acting is also pretty sharp, with "Marky" Mark Wahlberg in a great little fast-talking role. Reminded me of when he used to rap for a living.

I haven't seen "The Queen" yet, although I'm sure it will be shown on telly when Brenda finally pops her clogs. I am, of course, a huge fan of Helen Mirren. I think my favourite film of hers is "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover", in which she plays the (frequently naked) wife. I also enjoyed "Excalibur", where she plays the scantily clad Morgana, "Caligula", where she's a saucy nymphomaniac, and er, "Calendar Girls", where she struggles to keep her clothes on, even as a middle-aged housewife. A fine body, of work, to be sure, and a worthy recipient of the Breast Actress, I mean, Best Actress Oscar.

Carnival

Well, this being a Catholic country, the people don't start their countdown to Easter with anything as mundane as a pancake race. No, the burghers of Torres Vedras take to the streets in a five day orgy of dressing up and drinking.

Of course, being averse to such frivolity, I headed inland to the Alentejo for the first few days, taking advantage of my holiday time to see a bit more of the country.

However, I didn't want to miss all the fun, so yesterday we went and had a look at the final parade. The carnival in T.V. is famous as "the most Portuguese in Portugal" and has a lot of very good floats. This year's theme was "The People of the World", which was the cue for hundreds of people to dress in the crudest stereotypes of Egyptians, Chinese, Japanese, Hawaiians, Native Americans, Austrians and gypsies. There were also a good few dressed as Scots; seeing them cavort around drunkenly reminded me of Edinburgh on a Saturday night.

Here is a video I took of one of the floats. The tradition here is to throw balls of paper to the crowds, who then throw them back - less dangerous than the Mardi Gras beads, eggs and kittens chucked about in some other towns.



Here are some more snaps of the other major floats:

Apologies for absence

Hi all,

Sorry for the non-posting for a bit - a combination of going away, having the flu (bloody turkey sandwiches) and Blogger being a useless website that doesn't always let me login.

Will rectify now with updates.

Another seasonal message

Happy Valentine's Day from the little mole:

David Cameron and other news

How's about this for a new slogan?

"You don't have to be on drugs to vote Conservative, but it helps."


When will we get a proper discussion about drugs amongst politicians? There can't be anyone under 40 (Mr Cameron's age) who hasn't either tried pot or seen someone else smoke it, can there? Cannabis-fuelled sessions on the Playstation 2 are a major part of British life, aren't they? Or maybe Mike Skinner was wrong.

Meanwhile in the tropical south (17 degrees today), the Portuguese have said "Yes" to abortion in a referendum. A good thing, I think. The large number of abstentions (58%) means the result is not binding, but the government has promised to push the legislation through anyway. Only Ireland, Poland and Malta will now have super-strict abortion laws (Beeb guide here) in the European Union.

Finally, went to see Scoop, the latest Woody Allen film, with R yesterday. Quite a jolly little picture, and it's always encouraging to see Ian "Lovejoy" McShane getting gainful employment, even as a ghost. Best line went to the director (as usual): "I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but I converted to narcissism".

I'll try to post in the next few days, but if not I'll deffo do a report about carnaval next week.

Worth comment

Finally something worth blogging about! England have won the one-day series! 2-0! In Australia! Break out the bubbly! Ring the bells! Don't bet on us for the World Cup, whatever you do!

Well done to the lads down under. They've had one hell of a tough tour and although it was far too long, at least they'll be coming home with some sense of pride intact. Paul Collingwood and Liam Plunkett have done particularly well (maybe it's the Australian weather they get in Durham) but the whole team deserves credit, especially Andrew Flintoff, who perhaps isn't a bad captain after all.

Let's hope they can play with as much fight in the West Indies. If we can get past Canada and Kenya in the group stage, the dream might just be realised.

Joy unconfined!

Aah, the happiness when one turns the TV on to find them showing "The Jerk", with Steve Martin at his best. I missed this scene, which is near the start, but the rest of the film is almost as good:

We don't need no thought control

Alan Johnson is proposing changes to geography teaching in schools so that children can learn more about climate change:

If we can instil in the next generation an understanding of how our actions can mitigate or cause global warming then we lock in a culture change that could, quite literally, save the world.

I think this is a little over-stated, but probably fair enough, as the environment is an important issue and kids, generally speaking, are interested in it.

I'm not sure, though, that all his proposals are about increasing young people's knowledge, rather they seem to be a thinly disguised attack on global capitalism:

Importing food from the other side of the world and unnecessary airplane travel have become significant sources of CO2 pollution and children should be aware of these consequences.

Similarly, the importance of reducing fossil fuels and the effects of shifting clothes manufacturing to developing economies are all issues worth of study and debate in our classrooms.

I hope there will be plenty of emphasis on the fact that air travel makes up only a very small part of global emissions, and that deforestation in the Amazon and elsewhere (long a staple of the geography curriculum), and the construction of new power stations throughout the developing world are still much greater contibutors to the carbon mix.

(Just as an aside, does "airplane travel" stick in anyone else's craw? Surely "aeroplane travel" or "air travel" is the correct British English term?)

I also hope the stuff about shifting clothes manufacturing is not just a "globalisation bad, localism good" argument, because the reality is somewhat more complicated than that. If developing countries can sustain a successful textile industry, they become richer, helping lift their populations out of poverty. Money that countries like Bangladesh or Indonesia can earn from exports is massively important to their economies and buying goods from such places is not always a negative thing for us in the West to do.

The reason I'm a little cynical about AJ's ideas is this paragraph:

Children have a dual role as consumers and influences. Educating them about the impact of getting an extra pair of trainers for fashion's sake is as important as the pressure they put on their parents not to buy a gas-guzzling family car.

When the Education Secretary describes children as "consumers and influencers", I'm a little worried. Our priority should be educating them to read, write and add up (which many of our schools are failing to do adequately) and then equip them with the tools to analyse evidence and make sensible decisions for themselves as they go through life.

The last sentence, about gas-guzzlers, has me thinking about the real agenda here: the Government wants our kids to do what the congestion charge and road-pricing can't, namely get SUVs off the streets. Or am I reading too much into this?

It's been a while...

...since I last posted.

No excuse, except that I haven't had much to say. I'll try to make up for it today.

It's also been a while since England beat Australia at cricket (yes, unbelievably, we're still playing them). Even more unbelievably, that run of consecutive defeats has just come to an end.

Joyce inspires England to victory

It's not going to lead to World Cup glory, but it will bring some much needed cheer to the England dressing room. Special praise should go to Ed Joyce, with a century at the top of the order, and Liam Plunkett, who took 3-24 with the ball.

Let's hope we can make it to the finals of this series and, who knows, perhaps we can spring another surprise?