Not Coming Soon to Specsavers

Auntie reports that "beer goggles" effect is not only caused by alcohol:

Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder (sic), the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor. Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker's own eyesight and the room's smokiness. The distance between two people is also a factor.

In what is a worthy attempt to get an Ig Nobel Prize next year, the scientists have even come up with a formula to explain the phenomenon:

A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive". Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a super model.

If this is true, there must be a potential market for prescription eyewear that reverses the beer goggle effect. Surely opticians will now be able to test their patients for the effects of alcohol, smoke and darkness on their perception of beauty.

Imagine: you go in to get your eyes tested, the optometrist gives you a couple of cocktails, sparks up a pair of fat Cuban cigars, and sits you down in the big chair. Instead of the traditional charts of letters and numbers, she shows you a series of pictures of celebrities (insert male names if you prefer) and asks you what you make of them.

This is a picture of Margaret Beckett. Does she look like Kirsten Dunst to you?
Er, no, I wouldn't say that. *Hic*
Now, Ann Widdecombe. If I dim the lights, could you confuse her with the new Bond girl, Eva Green?
No, not yet. *Cough* It's smoky in here, isn't it?
How about the singer from Everything But The Girl? Could she be Shakira's sister?
Mmm, move her a bit further away. *Hic* Yes, now I've had my third caipirinha, I can see the resemblance.
Very well, sir, and if I put this lens in?
Aaaagh, oh my God, noooo! Oh the humanity. Take the lens out, take the lens out! Phew - thanks, doc, I'll take a pair - that should save me the empty feeling of regret on a Sunday morning. Now, where can I get another drink?

Naturally, the second implication of the research is on the cosmetics industry. Instead of us all spending millions every year on makeup, haircare and male grooming products to attract members of the opposite sex, we just have to get our potential belle or beau drinking, and stand in a dingy corner on the other side of the room next to a man smoking a pipe. That way they're bound to find us irresistible! (Of course, if they could take their contacts out first, that would be a bonus)

UPDATE: Just checked the timestamp on the BBC page and this story's over a year old. Latest news, my arse.