Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice...

Norm has a short post featuring an a cappella reworking of Dave Brubeck's classic, Take 5.

Seeing it reminded me of a similar group, Vocal Sampling, from Cuba, who use only their voices to produce the sounds of an entire orchestra. I saw them at the Proms about five years ago where they put on a remarkable show, including an extraordinary version of Strauss' Also sprach Zarathustra (you know, the "monkey becoming man theme" from 2001: A Space Odyssey).

So, if you like your rock classics sans guitar, here are Vocal Sampling covering an old favourite:

A Furtive Tear

There are probably loads of videos of this guy being placed on blogs this morning so why should I buck the trend? This is Donizetti's classic "Una Furtiva Lagrima":



Class - good to see some pre-Nessun Dorma Pavarotti on YouTube.

RIP Big man.

Hey, Mascarenhas, alright!

There has only been one England cricketer called Dmitri and he has just delivered a singularly brilliant performance at the Oval. Reminiscent of both my own long hop-laden bowling and a Stick Cricket innings, I give you the final over of England's innings at the Oval today (courtesy of Cricinfo):

49.1 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, no run, an ugly and not particularly effective mow
49.2 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, SIX, and he swings this over midwicket, high and handsome - but Piyush is lurking, and makes excellent ground to take a brilliant catch. However...such was his velocity that he slid into the boundary, and it's six! Tough luck.
49.3 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, SIX, he takes a step outside leg and smites him for six into the midwicket fence! Bosh!
49.4 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, SIX, and another one! This is marvellous batting here. Another step outside leg; another six into midwicket
49.5 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, SIX, he's done it again! And this has gone even further into the midwicket boundary
Where will he bowl now?
49.6 Yuvraj Singh to Mascarenhas, SIX, make that five sixes in the over! And the biggest of the lot, straight back over the bowler's head! Quite breathless cricket

Yes, that's five consecutive sixes, thirty runs, guiding England to a very respectable total of 316-6. Of course, we'll probably have a special from Sachin and India's batsmen now and they'll knock off the runs with ease, but it was pretty good listening while it happened.

Sweet September

Has anyone noticed the weather?

It's been quite good for a change. In fact, I've almost forgotten how terrible it was during June, July and August (yes, I know, now I've put the mockers on it and it will rain until Christmas).

I am glad of this. Unlike most people, who go on holiday during the summer months and return to their dingy offices in September, I spent most of July and August working (not too hard, you understand, but I still had to turn up at nine every morning) and have this month as my "me time". The "Indian Summer of Chris" or something like that.

Anyway, the fair skies over Berkshire have allowed me to enjoy a few walks around my local area this week, and I think the best (so far) was today. I saw rabbits, pheasants, horses that look like Boris Johnson, and Timmy Mallett. At least I think it was Mallett - he was talking to someone, so I didn't intrude, but the oversized pink and yellow hammer he had in his hand gave the game away.



So, my summer is warming up nicely. I hope it keeps on for the next few weeks until I go back to Portugal.

p.s. Does anyone know where I can illegally download the Amy Winehouse album? I quite like the music ("They said I had to wear the niqab, I said no, no, no"), but I don't want to subsidise her crack habit, y'know.

Soul Limbo

Hello all,

It's taken a while for me to get round to posting this, but I wanted to reassure you that the pause in blogging here is only temporary. I'm taking a summer holiday, if you like (in actual fact I'm working, but don't have access to my own computer). It's quite relaxing here in Devon (don't ask - but at least we've avoided the worst of the wet weather) and I'm enjoying a cream tea even as I type.

Normal service, whatever that means, should be resumed around the end of the month. Keep the faith and watch this local documentary which I used with a class this morning:

A movie top 10

I noticed over at Chicken Yoghurt that the Groan has a list of the best thousand films ever and this week the Telegraph is also asking its readers for their 100 favourites.

I'm never sure what to make of these polls or lists - there are well over a thousand really good films (hell, there are 3 passable efforts in the Police Academy series) - and it seems stupid to rank them on something as objective as "best ever". Is the Godfather better than Dr Strangelove? Is the Godfather part II better than the Godfather? Is anything better than Tokyo Story? Has anyone actually seen Tokyo Story?

I'm going to offer a slightly different list, with a narrower remit. It's close to my heart, for reasons that will be obvious, and bound to cause a modicum of debate (I hope). If you have any comments, feel free to leave them.

In no order, 10 films starring people called Christopher:

1. Superman (1978) - Christopher Reeve. You've all seen this, I won't describe the plot. Note: there is no 's' on the end of Reeve.

2. Annie Hall (1977) - Christopher Walken. Only a minor role, but probably my favourite Walken. He plays Diane Keaton's slightly mad little brother.

3. The Return of the Pink Panther (1975) - Christopher Plummer. Every film should star Christopher Plummer. This one's got him and Peter Sellars. What more could you want?

4. Best in Show (2000) - Christopher Guest. Guest directed this dog show spoof, as well as starring in it. He's one of Ricky Gervais' comedy heroes, you know.

5. Short Cuts (1993) - Christopher Penn. Robert Altman at his multiple plot-weaving best. I don't think the late Penn was in a better film than this.

6. CB4 (1994) - Chris(topher) Rock. Rap's equivalent of "This is Spinal Tap", CB4 spoofs gangsta culture in Los Angeles. As a bonus it also stars Chris(topher) Elliot.

7. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) - Christopher Lee. One of the very worst James Bond films, but at least it had a proper villain. The third nipple idea has been copied, but never bettered.

8. Shallow Grave (1994) - Christopher Eccleston. I think this is Danny Boyle's best film, a proper dark, British thriller. Of course, Eccleston is always watchable.

9. Back to the Future II (1989) - Christopher Lloyd. Another Christopher with a faultless track record, this is my favourite in the Back to the Future series.

10. The Magnificent Seven (1960) - Yul Brynner. The observant amongst you will have noticed that Yul Brynner is not called Christopher. But his character in this classic western is, and that's enough for me to shoehorn him into this list.

Sports News from Canada

Portugal Too Much For New Zealand

The headline in the Toronto Globe and Mail accompanying the match report of Portugal's 2-0 win in the Under-20s Football World Cup.

Somehow I think the Kiwis will have their revenge on the rugby field when the two nations meet in that World Cup in Lyon in September.

A century and a bit of flights

How many times have you flown somewhere? How far have you travelled? How many different airports, airlines or aircraft have you used?

I flew back to the UK for the summer yesterday (Lisbon to Heathrow, TAP flight 356, an Airbus 319, seat 5A), saying goodbye to the sun and hello to snowy London (so I thought - actually the white stuff on the ground was hailstones). By my calculations, it was my 104th air journey.

How did I work this out? Well, if you really want to waste a few hours, I can recommend a website called flightmemory.com. You waste the hours by filling in the details of every flight you've ever taken: the airports (natch), the airlines, the type of plane, which seat etc. The only detail it doesn't ask is whether you were next to a pretty girl or not, but you can add a note if you want (I sat next a pretty girl coming back from Florence when I was 18. I can't remember the airline, but the plane was a Bae 146. As I suavely tried to drink coffee like a sophisticated Italian, I spilt the little milk container all over my jeans, thus failing to make a very good impression. D'oh!).

As you enter the data, the website calculates the miles you have flown and marks all your journeys a on a map (which, if you are really enthusiastic, you can order as a poster), as well as compiling all the statistics you could wish for - a top 10 list of airports, airlines, aircraft and so on.

Here's my rundown:

• My first flight (I think) was about 25 years ago, a short hop from Southampton to Guernsey.
• That's not my shortest flight, however: that honour falls to the 38 mi helicopter trip from Penzance to St Mary's in the Isles of Scilly in 1986.
• My longest flight is 5,966 mi, from Heathrow to Tokyo, a trip I first made in 1997.
• I've been to 61 different airports, from San Jose to Sofia, Beijing to Bamaga (a tiny Aboriginal community in North Queensland), although never to South America or Africa.
• My top 3 airports are: 1 - Heathrow, 2 - Gatwick, 3 - Boston (amazingly, I've taken off or landed there 9 times over the years).
• Overall I've flown 149,993 miles, just over 6 times round the world.

I don't know how these figures would compare to any other 29 year old, although I'm sure they don't stand up against a hardened business traveller (my dad says he's been to the States over 75 times, which is some going). But if you are interested in stats or planes, as all great minds are, you could do worse than try to work your own figures out here.

"Nobody doesn't like Tony Blair."

Have you ever struggled to come up with a good slogan?

Perhaps you've got a new blog, or are thinking of starting a company or releasing a product?

It can cost thousands of pounds to come up with a decent tagline, particularly if you aren't very imaginative, but thankfully there is some help at hand.

This website is a slogan generator and although there are a few blatant ripoffs of major brands there is a wide range of suggestions. Happily, it works in German as well as English, so here are some rebrandings that we might see in the future:

The blog:
Russian Wolfhound, love it or leave it.
The best Russian Wolfhound in the world.
Have a break, have a Russian Wolfhound.

The man:
When you say Chris G you've said it all.
I'd walk a mile for Chris G.
There's a bit of Chris G in all of us.

The terrorists:
al-Qaeda - Think different.
There's lots of fun in al-Qaeda.
al-Qaeda - Alles Gute für Ihr Kind.

The rest:
North Korea? Yes please.
Call a friend, call Hugo Chavez.
Steve McClaren erfrischt den Kopf.
The EU - You see this name, you think dirty.
I wouldn't leave the house without George Bush.
Angela Merkel braucht keine Worte.

Upside down, boy you're turning me...

.ǝɹǝɥdsıɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇɹou ǝɥʇ oʇ ssǝɔɔns uɐǝpodıʇuɐ s,oɔ puɐ sǝuɹɐq ʎɯɯıظ ǝʇɐ1suɐɹʇ oʇ ɹoʇɹǝʌuoɔ 1ǝsıɥɔ p1oɔ ɐ sı ʍou pǝǝu ǝʍ 11ɐ

.ɹǝpun uʍop suısnoɔ ɹno ʎq pooʇsɹǝpun ǝq oʇ ǝʇıɹʍ noʎ buıɥʇʎuɐ sǝ1qɐuǝ ɥɔıɥʍ 'ʇuǝɯuɹǝʌob uɐı1ɐɹʇsnɐ ǝɥʇ ʎq pǝpıʌoɹd ʇou 'ǝʇısqǝʍ ǝ1ʇʇı1 unɟ ɐ s,ǝɹǝɥ

.ʎʇıʌıʇɔɐ ʎɥʇɹoʍ ʇsoɯ sıɥʇ ǝʇɐʇı1ıɔɐɟ ʇɐɥʇ s1ooʇ puǝɯɯoɔǝɹ oʇ ǝʞı1 ı 'ɥɔns sɐ puɐ uoıʇɐ1suɐɹʇ ɟo p1ɹoʍ ǝɥʇ uı ʇsǝɹǝʇuı buıpuɐʇs-buo1 ɐ ǝʌɐɥ ı 'ʍouʞ 11ıʍ noʎ ɟo ʎuɐɯ sɐ


Hat tip: BoingBoing

The real reason for the floods

Nope, not global warming, or el nino, or development on the flood plain, or a lack of investment in flood defences.

Renowned meteorologists the Bishops of Carlisle and Liverpool have the answer:

the Bishop of Carlisle, ... said that the introduction of pro-gay laws had provoked God to send the storms that have left thousands homeless.

...

The Bishop of Liverpool, the Rt Rev James Jones, previously seen as a future Archbishop of Canterbury or York, said: "People no longer see natural disasters as an act of God. However, we are now reaping what we have sown. If we live in a profligate way then there are going to be consequences." God is exposing us to the truth of what we have done."

I love that "previously" seen as a future AB of C, don't you?

Fortunately, whenever a Bishop makes a stupid comment, there is someone rational to put him in his place:

The Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association's chairman Jim Herrick said:

"The Bishop's comments reveal a primitive, superstitious mind that belongs in the Bronze Age.

"If he thinks these floods are the result of pro-gay laws rather than global warming, then how come far more catastrophic floods afflict homophobic nations such as Bangladesh?

"People like Graham Dow bring religion into even more disrepute with such fatuous comments.

"No wonder people are abandoning the Church of England in such huge numbers when it is led by silly people like him."

Amen to that.

That Brown Cabinet

One of the good things we can say about Brown's accession to the top seat is that it should spell the end of Charlie Falconer's frontline political career.

Of all the New Labour faces who have annoyed me over the years, "Lord" Falconer is the one who gets me shouting at the telly the most. Why? Well, say what you like (or don't like) about Ruth Kelly, Charles Clarke and co, but at least they were elected. Elected by morons, most likely, but that's the beauty of democracy.

Falconer, on the other hand, failed to get a seat in 1997 - the only Labour party member who didn't that year - and as result was elevated to the peerage by Tony Blair. What had he done to deserve this position of power? Er, um, well, he is a rich lawyer and oh, was also Tony Blair's flatmate in the 1970s.

Falconer was Blair's best mate and was a government spokesman on issues from the Dome to constitutional reform, before becoming Lord Chancellor. To see someone with so little apparent merit wielding such influence in public life wound me up no end and I'm thrilled to see him go.

Let's hope GB isn't tempted to make a legislator or cabinet minister out of any of his old school chums, and that Falconer and his bloated ego have blighted the Today programme for he last time.

Ok, rant over. Anyone see this about former Durham graduate, Jonathan Edwards? Finally I can fully respect him.

Not Gathering Moss

The fact that I have to work today (normally Mondays are a sacred free day of idleness) is a real bastard.

However, the suffering is somewhat mitigated by the fact I'm off to see these grizzled veterans tonight. 45 years and still rocking, not bad by anyone's standards - to think that about a dozen years ago I thought I'd missed my chance to catch them live (or alive):



I said "yeah, yeah, yeah, woo!"

A Maidenhead Story

Another evangelical Christian is whinging about her rights to express her primitive, misguided beliefs. Lydia Playfoot, of Horsham, wants to wear a "purity ring" to school, in contravention of its no jewellery policy.

My first reaction is, why don't just wait until you die and get to heaven, then you can have the last laugh. Bloody hell, sex is fun and nothing to be ashamed of.

Unfortunately that's not the attitude Lydia Playfoot (or more likely, her parents - daddy's a happy-clappy preacher) is taking on these things. The case is being heard in the High Court today.

If she wins the case, and girls are allowed to wear the rings, there could be some practical implications though: are there going to be hymen inspections to check that the girls really are as "pure" as they claim? If there are, who is they going to pay for them? Will schools start advertising for maidenhead monitors?

As a footnote, some people might be wondering whether teenage boys would be allowed the same dispensation to wear the rings, but this is a red herring. If anyone can find a teenage boy who "wants" to remain a virgin until he's married, I'll eat my slippers.

Save the planet - move to Portugal

So, I finally calculated my carbon footprint, using the brand-new government website (as trailed by Dizzy and the Devil) - the good news is it's working now, boys; bad news is it's slow as a dog and quite flawed. I'm not sure why for the home section it doesn't just ask for my total electricity and gas usage as listed on my bills. Surely that's all that is needed to calculate my home carbon consumption as a whole. And as it takes about half an hour to go through the process, DEFRA could save some me and the planet some electricity by speeding up the website.

Anyway, the good news is that my footprint is about half the national (UK) average, probably because I live in a warm country, require no central heating and I don't drive. Considering it includes flights to and fro I think it's quite a good set of figures. That doesn't stop the government giving me an even more stringent target to aim for, mind.

Your carbon footprint

Congratulations. You've successfully completed the Act on CO2 calculator. This table represents your CO2 emissions from all three areas of your lifestyle.

Your CO2 result is 2.46 tonnes per year

Your target footprint total is 1.97 tonnes per year

Everybody likes to have a target to reach their goals. Here we have given you an aspirational 20% reduction target to reach. This is spread evenly through your three areas of Home; Appliances and Transport, however, if you can see that your transport CO2 emissions are high, you can concentrate on reducing that area.

The national average total is 4.47 tonnes per year

CO2 emissions from all three areas of your lifestyle
---------------------------Home---------Appliances-------Travel
Your Carbon Footprint-------0.6-----------0.16------------1.7
Target Footprint------------0.48----------0.13------------1.36
National Average------------2.00----------0.68------------1.79

Tonnes per year

End of term's coming, let's watch a video

Sorry, more YouTube.

Is this the creepiest number one ever? Chain-smoking Bond villain serenades decapitated head:



via BoingBoing

Northern comics...

Bernard Manning wasn't funny, but this is:

La Dolce Vita

Via Norm, this is a very funny little animated piece about how life in Italy is a little different from the rest of the world.

The next few days

For the next few days I'll be entertaining guests, so I doubt I'll be posting much.

I suggest you go out and enjoy the summer weather while it lasts.

Until next week...

Lisa Loves London

Someone has asked me to comment on the new Olympic logo. I don't think I can surpass this from Towcestarian on the Daily Telegraph's blog:

Once the organisers realise that it looks like Lisa Simpson doing something very rude on her knees, it will be dropped very sharpish.

Here she is:

It was ninety years ago today...

I'm making a flying visit back to the UK this weekend to celebrate a special anniversary.

Not the birth of Edward Elgar, nor Thomas Hardy, nor the Waugh twins, nor the Marquis de Sade. Not the release of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, nor the first running of the Derby.

Nope, today is my grandmother's 90th birthday - which is about the age you should start really celebrating them. She is of course, partly to blame responsible for my existence on this planet, so I guess she could claim some hand in this blog (although I doubt she'd want to...).

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Nana, and I'll see you tomorrow at the party!

It's not sport, but it is incredible

Every Thursday, the Guardian's excellent online sports section has a YouTube blog. It features classic video moments from sport, with readers invited to send in their own favourites. It's a very cheap way of producing a "newspaper", i.e. getting the readers to write it for you, but sometimes the results are worth that risk.

Usually, the column descends into rival compilations of the greatest or most obscure goals from football leagues around the world, but amongst this today is a fascinating video that isn't really sport at all. Well, unless you count the tug-of-war in the middle.

From South Africa's Kruger National Park, the real "rumble in the jungle":

Lion v. Buffalo v. Crocodile

Those Diana Pictures

So Channel 4 is at the centre of another media storm. Its decision to show pictures of Princess Diana as she lay dying in that Paris tunnel nearly a decade ago has managed to raise the hackles of both Anne Atkins and David Aaronovitch this morning - no mean feat.

I won't be able to see the programme here in Portugal, so what I'd like to know is whether the pictures are better quality than these, which were published in an Italian magazine last year and are easily available on the internet?



(source: kierenmccarthy.co.uk)



(source: bobsob.com)

My personal opinion is that these are quite harmless pictures of Lady Di's last moments and the moral fabric of the UK will withstand their being broadcast on national TV.

The other question, of course is whether they are more offensive than these pictures of Britney Spears with no knickers on (NSFW).

The Diabolical Defined

I had a stroke of good fortune yesterday. I went to Fnac in Lisbon in the hopes of perhaps picking up a bargain, and lo one presented itself in the form of Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary. I concluded that it was a bargain because the price in pounds (£12.95) was much higher than the price in euros (€8.91).

The book is one that I've known about for several years. Since my teenage afternoons watching Countdown, in fact. Sometimes the actor and director Philip Franks (best-known, to me at least, as Charley from the Darling Buds of May) would appear in the Richard Stilgoe dictionary corner chair and read Bierce's words for our edification. As a young cynic, I remember being quite struck by the dry wit of the entries, such as this for dentist:

A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

More recently, I have seen the Devil's Dictionary referred to in numerous English coursebooks - presumably to encourage the humourists amongst the teenagers of Slovakia, Portugal and the rest of the world - although few include its definition of learning (with which I cannot disagree):

The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Reading the book now, it's very interesting to see that although it's over a hundred years old, many of the definitions have lost none of their edge:

VOTE, n.
The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

CHRISTIAN, n.
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

KORAN, n.
A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

PIANO, n.
A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

RATTLESNAKE, n.
Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.

As with everything these days, the Devil's Dictionary is available online. If you're interested, click here.

A British victory in Greece?

Not sure if this should be taken as an omen for tonight's Big Cup final, but The Guns of Navarone was on telly here this morning.

If James Robertson Justice and David Niven can inspire an unlikely English victory in Greece, why can't Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard do the same?

My prediction: 1-0 Liverpool in a terrible "shit on a stick" match. C'mon you reds!

UPDATE: Oh well, from what I saw of the game, a narrow Milan victory was just about fair. I didn't catch the first half (some of us have to work, you know), and although Liverpool huffed and puffed in the second, they didn't really create many decent chances. One thing I did notice: the pitch was pretty poor. It played very slowly and seemed to have cut up a lot during the game (I assume it was in good nick at the kickoff). If it had been in better condition, I'll bet the passing wouldn't have been so erratic.

What's on your iPod?

An interesting development from a department at the forefront of managerial competence:

Twenty top civil servants in the Home Office have been given top of the range iPods to provide them with lessons in leadership.

In a pilot scheme the department has spent almost £9,000 on the gadgets as part of a “constant” way of finding new means to give staff training.

Home Office officials were last night bracing themselves for a barrage of criticism over the purchase which was described by one source as “a wacky idea”.

Well, if the criticism is on the grounds of cost, I think it will be misplaced. In fact, if you look at the cost of a training session or a paintball weekend for a bunch of mandarins, it would be well over nine grand. As a spokesperson says:

“The capacity on one video iPod represents the equivalent of three days’ worth of classroom training. In addition, material on the video iPods can be recycled, whereas classroom training cannot.”

A Home Office official said that providing iPods to top staff was a much more economical means of providing leadership skills than sending staff on management courses which can cost £1,000 a day.

Fair enough.

However, I am not sure that using the iPod as a learning/teaching tool is particularly effective. I have an iPod and have uploaded a "Teach Yourself Portuguese" CD onto it. Have I listened to it? Well, er, actually guv, not yet.

And the other example of an organisation using the iPod to train its members is also less than convincing:

The Home Office decision to pilot the use of iPods as a way of training staff comes just two months after the England cricket team was able to study footage of the World Cup opposition on their iPods. Mark Garaway, the team analyst, uploaded packages of information about New Zealand on to a central base, allowing players to pick and choose the files they believed would be useful.

England lost that match by six wickets with nine overs to spare. In other words they were thrashed.

If government departments are starting to take their lead from the England one-day cricket team, they may be more badly run than we ever feared.

Tonight's Fat American Story

It's been a while since I've posted about our weighty friends across the pond, but here's quite an amusing tale from Scotland:

An obese American tourist who fell ill on a cruise ship had to be carried off by helicopter because of his size.

The man, who weighs 32 stone (203kg), was onboard a luxury five star cruise ship anchored in the Firth of Forth when he suffered gastric problems.

(For Americans, that's 450 pounds)

Forth Coastguard realised he was so heavy that its usual rescue procedures would have been impossible.

It called in an RAF Sea King helicopter to winch the man off the boat before carrying him to hospital.
...
The Sea King Rescue 177 is often used for search and rescue, but was originally designed for military use - including anti-submarine warfare and general tasks including heavy lifting.

After winching the sick man from the Century Cruise Liner, run by Celebrity Cruises, it flew him to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary where fire crews were on standby to transfer him into the building shortly after 0600 BST on Saturday.

The headlines write themselves really, but what I want to know is whether the man was the full 32 stone before he got to Scotland, or if he gained some of the weight as a result of the famous Scottish cuisine he encountered on his visit. One can see how a few deep-fried Mars bars or haggises, washed down with a few cans of Special Brew, might cause gastric problems.

Dobry Den

This time last year I was fortunate enough to be working in Eastern Slovakia. It's a nice enough place, and the people were quite friendly, although it's not somewhere to save for your retirement.

Anyway, this piece in the Times just reminded me of the way people think in that part of the world, particularly in reference to their neighbours:

We start talking about which Eastern European countries are worth investing in. Kat gives me a quick rundown. "In Poland they are getting a bit cheeky, I think. They have already had their boom in telecommunications. The economy is more advanced. Prices are higher. But you must be very careful. Sometimes when you buy a house, you may also buy the owners’ debt. That would not be good." What about the Czech Republic? "They are always one step ahead. Everything is 20 per cent more expensive there. Before the split [of Slovakia and the Czech Republic] everything was made here. We are stuck with the factories. So the Czechs are ahead of us." She is not a fan of Romania: ‘"Ridiculous prices. Like London prices. Lots of Americans are going to Romania. I don’t understand it. Why? I would have thought the prices would be better than here. But they’re not. Ridiculous!" The Ukraine is another no-no: ‘The mafia will rip you off." Hungary? ‘Nice people. Nice wine. But not much work opportunity. I’m really not sure about Hungary."

She probably added that there are bloody gypsies everywhere, but I suspect that got edited out of the final article.

Shining in the shit

Most of the stuff on YouTube is rubbish. I should know because I regularly link to it on this blog. Usually if one looks for something, one finds only self-indulgent clips of midwestern teenagers playing air guitar to their favourite Linkin Park tracks. However, amidst the dross, there are videos that lift the spirits and make an ordinary Wednesday so much less boring.

From the golden age of television, I give you "What's My Line?", with Salvador Dali:



via Boing Boing

Whoops, he did it again...

Philip Hensher should read this blog.

If he did, he would know that Patricia Hewitt did not make any comment about Seaman Faye Tunney lighting up during the recent hostage crisis.

Unfortunately he doesn't, so in today's Independent he makes the same mistake that Christopher Hitchens made yesterday. I quote:

The skewed thinking and bizarre sense of priorities which has driven so many of this government's initiatives was beautifully captured when Patricia Hewitt, commenting on the capture of the navy personnel in Iran, said: "It was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people." Quite a lot of people went on wondering, in the light of this comment, whether Mrs Hewitt might actually not be human at all.

In fact, quite a lot of people might have seen the date of this quote (April 1st) and drawn their own conclusions.

Honestly, these columnists - they get paid thousands of pounds, and use an April Fool's joke to support their arguments.

Whoops...

The usually excellent Christopher Hitchens makes a boob in the Guardian today. Speaking against the upcoming English smoking ban, he says:

If I had wanted an encapsulating anecdote for my argument, it would have been provided by our glorious secretary of state for health, Patricia Hewitt, who commented on recent events in Iran: "It was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people." Yes, I think that just about expresses the anti-tobacco mentality. It is all-enveloping and all-inclusive, utterly patronising and completely, laughably literal-minded.

Unfortunately for Hitch, Patricia Hewitt never said this. The quote was from an April 1st piece from Telegraph Columnist, Christopher Brooker. Many people took this literally and ended up believing it to be true. But as Brooker said himself a couple of weeks later:

On April 1 this column alleged that Patricia Hewitt had said, of a TV appearance by Leading Seaman Faye Turney, that 'it was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people.'

This was quoted by other newspapers and even mentioned on Have I Got News For You. I am happy to offer Miss Hewitt my apologies for setting this fictitious hare running but suggest that she looks again at the date.

I hope the Guardian clears up this small error for its readers.

Little Maddie

I know it's very sad that she's disappeared, but I think the media reaction has been a little over the top.

The British press have sent all their journalists to the Algarve, and the Portuguese have sent all theirs to Leicestershire. Sky news is even more unwatchable than normal. There was a military coup in Taiwan yesterday and nobody's covering it.*

Yesterday there was an appeal from Luiz Felipe Scolari, the Portuguese national football manager, for more information. This follows previous appeals from Cristiano Ronaldo and David Beckham, who are presumably not famous enough to get the public's attention. The escalation of reward money to £2.6 million is frankly ludicrous: as if anyone who knows anything useful would stay quiet because there wasn't enough money on offer as an incentive.

I hope the police get a break, find a clue and catch the culprit. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is watch this and get some perspective on life:



Part 2

Part 3

*not really. Well, maybe there was. Who knows?

New look

Can you spot the difference?

Well, I've added a third column to the template, which gives me more space to display stuff, without you needing to scroll all the way down the page to find it.

At the moment I've put a google news feed in, with Portugal as its keyword, but I hope to find a few more interesting widgets to fill the space. Underneath the news feed I've got the archive, now a bit easier to use, and the categories of all my posts, so if you want to see all my posts related to one topic or tag, you can.

The right hand column still contains links. The number is a little depleted at the moment, as I have to re-enter them all individually, but I will tend to that over the next few days.

I hope you like the new layout - I'm still getting used to it myself and may well adjust things again if I find it user-unfriendly - but I'd be interested in hearing your views.

Housework

You may notice some changes to the appearance of the blog today. I'm finally getting round to updating the template and incorporating some of the functionality of the new Blogger.

Please bear with me while I fiddle with the look of the thing.

Things could only get better. In some ways, they did.

A lot of people have been crowing about the departure of Tony Blair and saying that he achieved very little of real substance during his tenure. I'm not going to talk about politics, because I can't be bothered.

However, I'd like us to look back before he became Labour leader, in 1994, when life in Britain really was poor. Ace of Base got to number one, we were all wearing Global Hypercolour T-shirts (remember, the ones that changed from luminous pink to luminous green as your body temperature increased) and the England football team was a real shambles (yes, even worse than now).

Here's a documentary (about an hour, watch it tonight with a glass of wine) that reminds us of the bad old days. Under Blair, we never missed a World Cup. Under Major, and this man, we never made one:

Simon Heffer's got issues

The pompous uber-Tory boy on the "metric martyrs" and their pounds and ounces banana victory:

Many of us, too, are scarred by an earlier experience in these matters. People under the age of 40 cannot imagine how we coped with a monetary system in which there were 12 pennies in a shilling and 20 shillings in a pound.

Well, for a start (and this was in the age before calculators) we were all trained to be rather good at mental arithmetic, a skill largely unknown these days. How often did 6s 4d go into £123 9s 9d? No problem.

But it was more than that. We loved our coinage, for they were pieces of history in our pockets. It was not unusual, even in the 1960s, to have in your change a bun penny of Queen Victoria's, or a beautiful half-crown of George V with an opulent royal coat of arms bursting out of the garter that framed it. History, pageantry and substance seemed to be on every coin, and seemed to help root us in our past.

And then, at a stroke, it was cast away in the interests of "modernisation": and we were left instead with charmless little coins, insubstantial like the ones for which we derided other nations when we went abroad, devoid of history and oblivious to our culture: how very effectively they symbolised, and still do, the vacuity and ghastliness of the 1970s in which they were born.

I am sure it was the searing national experience of the infliction of a decimal coinage that made us hate, with the hate of hell in some cases, the imposition of metrication. Loathing of the EU, which has, ironically, stepped in to save this part of our culture, presumably also has something to do with it.

"...with the hate of hell..."

Quite, quite mad.

His whole argument - that we should go back to the good ol' days of pounds, shillings and pence - is roundly rebutted in the comments under his own article, but I will add one thing:

If using the old system made everyone so good at mental arithmetic, surely it would be easiest for those people to convert to metric units. What the hell are they complaining about? A pint, that's about half a litre; a metre, that's about 3 feet; 10 km, 6 miles etc.

I was born long after the conversion, brought up on metric and have no problem with using both (at home I'm 5'6", here I'm 1.85m). Come on, Heffer, man, get a grip!

Paul Hewson, a middle-aged man

I've just realised why there's so much U2 on the telly this morning.

Happy birthday Bono, born 47 years ago today.

Here's a video from the days before his best mates were the Pope and Mary J Blige.

Do Look Now

Here's a funny coincidence. Or perhaps it's the beginning of a trend.

There are two videos currently on VH1's playlist that owe more than a little to the classic Nic Roeg thriller Don't Look Now.

You will recall that the film, which stars Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie, is about a couple who take a holiday in Venice to get over the death of their daughter. While there, they are haunted by a mysterious figure in a red coat, who could be the ghost of their child, and who they pursue through the watery streets.

So, when I saw Dolores "Cranberries" O'Riordan's new video ("Ordinary Day"), I figured that the director must be a Roeg fan: the figure in the coat is nicked directly from the film and the whole thing is a clear homage to the movie:



Imagine my surprise then, when I saw Sophie "Janet's Daughter" Ellis-Bextor on the box this morning. Her new vid ("Catch You") is also heavily influenced by the film. It's not as dark as O'Riordan's, but it is set in Venice, where our square-faced heroine hunts high and low for someone, not in a red coat, but a fancy frock:



Interesting that you'd get two videos using the same source in completely different ways within weeks of each other. At least I think so.

If you're interested in the original, I'd highly recommend it. Here's the trailer:

More about the Magpies

I don't know if this is the only blog in the world which reports on the progress of Maidenhead United, but I'll make a bet that it's the only one based in Portugal which does.

Anyhow, there's good news (again): the Magpies have won their playoff final against Team Bath and managed to get promotion to the Nationwide Conference South. That's only two below the league and four off Leeds United. If current trends continue, they might be playing at Elland Road in a couple of seasons. Until then they'll have to take on the might of Eastleigh, Eastbourne and Yeading. The promotion is a pretty remarkable acheivement given the poor form at the start of the season and was based on a streak of 15 wins in the final 17 games. Not even Sunderland can match that.

Well done to Drax (that's manager, Johnson Hippolyte - a man whose nickname is less unusual than his real name) and the lads, and good luck in the Berks and Bucks Cup final against those interlopers MK Dons tomorrow.

Hoff his face?

This is today's big celebrity story:

Actor David Hasselhoff has said footage leaked on TV and the internet in which he appears drunk shows him relapsing from treatment as an "alcoholic".

...

In a statement, Hasselhoff has said he is now back on track with his recovery.

"I am a recovering alcoholic," he said.

"Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse."

The tape's existence was first reported on Thursday by US TV tabloid shows The Insider, Entertainment Tonight and Extra. Clips were quickly posted on their websites.

The star said in the statement that he had asked to be filmed so he could watch himself back. However he insists it was never supposed to be made public.

But surely his drink was spiked? Watch and judge for yourself:

Pictures

For those who are interested, I've recently started using Picasa to manage my photographs. It seems to work quite well and I've put a few pictures online with its web album feature.

So far there are a few shots of the coast close to here, including the westernmost point in Europe. On sunny days (not today - almost Milanese precipitation this afternoon) it's really rather nice around these parts.

You can access the photos here.

Don't misunderestimate me...

Well, this is slightly worrying. Perhaps on my fortieth birthday, I'll become a teetotal born-again Christian with a gift for malapropisms. Check with me in 2018:

You Are Most Like George W. Bush

So what if you're not exactly popular? You still rule the free world. And while you may be quite conservative now, you knew how to party back in the day!

What Modern US President Are You Most Like?

hat tip: Nourishing Obscurity

Magpies, Linnets and Schadenfreude

If there's anything more satisfying than seeing your team get through to a cup final, it's doing it in dramatic fashion at the expense of a trash-talking rival.

So congratulations to Maidenhead United, who beat bitter rivals, King's Lynn, for a place in the Southern League Premier Division play-off final this evening. Magpies' boss, Johnson Hippolyte (once of Yeading) has a fine record in one-off matches, so there is a chance York Road will see Nationwide Conference South football next season.

In other news, Chelsea were beaten by Liverpool in the Champions' League. But you're not interested in that.

International Navigation

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type " New York " in the first box (the left hand "from" box)
5. type " London " in the second box (the right hand "to" box)
6 . click on "get directions"
7 . scroll down to step #24

Via email (ta, Pa)

Coming of age

Happy birthday Empire magazine!

The populist film title is 18 and in a very tenuous celebration of this fact, the good folk there have done a poll of the best "18" rated scenes in the movies.

Sadly, there is no mention of my favourite in this category: the scene from the Jamaican gangster flick "The Harder They Come" where Jimmy Cliff slashes the face of a policeman, saying "Don't fock wit' me" with each swing of the blade.

Nevertheless, there are some classic moments in the chart, from Linda Blair masturbating with a crucifux in the Exorcist to the decapitation of David Warner in the Omen.

The winner though, perhaps unsurprisingly, is one of the most iconic scenes in cinema history, for adults only or not. Here, in its unedited glory, is the bit from Alien where the creature bursts forth from John Hurt's chest. Enjoy!

Who's the daddy?

Who's the best grasscourt tennis player in the world?

Easy, Roger Federer.

Really, what about on clay?

Aah, well, Federer is still bloody good, but Rafa Nadal might beat him, that's true.

So, if Federer is best on grass...

No disagreement there, with his Wimbledon record.

...and Nadal is the best on clay,

Without a doubt, unbeaten in 60 odd matches on the red stuff at the moment.

...how can we decide who's best overall?

Aha. Now there's a question. We need some sort of a contest.

Good idea. Do you remember Donovan Bailey?

The hundred metres runner with massive thighs? Yep, what's he got to do with this?

Well, after he won the 100m in Atlanta, and Michael Johnson won the 200m, they had a contest to see who was the best sprinter in the world. To make it, er, fair, they raced indoors over 150m - a rarely contested distance.

Who won that then?

Well, Bailey did, but only after his opponent pulled up. Take a look here and see. Rather spoiled the thing as a contest. Circus is actually the word that comes to mind.

OK, but how do we settle the tennis issue?

I don't know if you'll like this, but I think it's got some legs.

Go on.

How about we build a special court which has clay at one end and grass at the other and have a "battle of the surfaces"?

Oh, for God's sake that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, no-one would go for that in a million years...

Yeltsin

By now I'm sure you're all aware that the former Russian President, Boris Yeltsin, has died.

Opinions may differ on how much of a success he was, but my own view was that he did a fairly good job in almost impossible circumstances. Guiding Russia through the post-communist era would have been hard for anyone and I think history will probably look back on him as a success.

Of course, many people have memories of the other side of Boris Yeltsin, the slightly wayward figure, often outrageous in his public appearances. We've all watched the comedy montage on the news, with him conducting the band with Helmut Kohl and making Bill Clinton crack up on the Whitehouse steps. We also remember the hilarious time he hosted Have I Got News For You.

My own favourite of these Yeltsin moments comes from the reality TV show, "Boris and Co", that he made after he went into retirement. Here is our hero, with his sons, after he's been for a little drive:

Prophecies

Here's one I made earlier (after the we lost the Ashes in December, in fact):

if you think this tour has been depressing, just wait for the World Cup

How right I was (for a change).

p.s. if you want to see the official England World Cup team photo again, click here.

Crunch time

So, it's come to this simple equation. If England lose today, they will (at long last) be out of the World Cup. If they win, they will put one foot in the semi-finals with just the final group game against the West Indies to come.

(I'm discounting the prospect of a tie, although South Africa have finished both their last two World Cup campaigns with such a result)

On the face of it, the match should be close: two underperforming teams, each mentally shot, lacking the confidence to go out and win matches they shouldn't have lost (England against Sri Lanka, SA against Bangladesh). The latest revelations about South African drinking after their defeat to New Zealand also have strong echoes of, er, pedalogate. Perhaps in the World Cup of boozing, this would be the final.

My prediction for the match is this: a South African will have a big impact on the result. Either one of the Proteas themselves, or England's own South African, Kevin Pietersen, who loves playing against his former countrymen. If he can score big, we might be able to win. Otherwise I think the lads will finally be on the pedalo home.

Not playing on Virginia Tech Radio

All the playing's stopped in the playground now
She wants to play with her toys a while.
And school's out early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to die.

No-one does crazed gunpeople quite like the Americans, eh?

On Defence Secretaries

All the news today (well, some of it) is about Des Browne, the Secretary of State for Defence and whether he will get out of the mess caused by the recent Iranian hostage crisis.

I think a look at the history of the office he holds is likely to provide the answer.

There are basically two types of Defence Secretary: those who use the position as a stepping stone in their cabinet career and go on to much bigger and better things, and those for whom it is the high water mark of their political life and who disappear without trace after they leave the job.

In the first category there have been many luminaries over the years: Denis Healey (1964-70) went on to be Chancellor, Peter Carington (1970-74) became Foreign Secretary and then Secretary-General of NATO, Michael Heseltine (1983-86) was later Deputy Prime Minister, Malcolm Rifkind (1992-95) was another who ended up at the Foreign Office, George Robertson (1997-99) also went off to the top NATO job, and most recently John Reid (2005-6) who has been, er, a big hit as Home Secretary.

One could also mention Michael Portillo, who was Defence Secretary before he lost his seat in 1997 and has since (albeit after a brief return to the Commons) carved out a reasonably successful career in the media.

In contrast, the second type of Defence Secretary is best exemplified by John Nott, who filled the post from 1981-83. Nott famously walked out of a TV interview when Robin Day described him as a "here today and ... gone tomorrow politician". He was "gone" fairly soon afterwards. One could also include the fairly anonymous George Younger (1986-89) or Fred Mulley (1976-79) in the same bracket. Here's Wikipedia on Mulley:

He is best remembered for falling asleep during the Queen's Jubilee Review of the Royal Air Force at RAF Finningley in 1977 when there was considerable noise around him. Having a small sleep during exercise was referred to by members of the RAF as having a "Fred Mulley".

The question we ask when we look back at these politicians is not, "How did well did they do?" but, "How on earth did they ever become cabinet ministers in the first place?"

We will soon find out what type of Defence Secretary Des Browne is, but I suspect most of us already know which category we would put him in.


p.s. Am I the only person who finds the "e" on the end of "Browne" really annoying? I find it very hard to trust people with superfluous vowels on the end of perfectly normal names (e.g. Greene, Clarke, Cooke, Foxe, Younge etc).

Kilgore Trout RIP

Kurt Vonnegut is dead. So it goes.

Go and read some of his books and join the granfalloon of Vonnegut fans. You won't regret it.

I'd recommend Cat's Cradle or Slaughterhouse V as a starter, but Breakfast of Champions and Hocus-Pocus are also rather good.

Here's a quote to get you started:

"No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's..."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle."

Yeah, but what colour sauce should we use?

Those clever boffins at Leeds University have been putting their funding to good use by calculating a formula to create the perfect bacon sandwich. So if you're feeling a bit peckish, this is all you need:

...two or three back bacon rashers should be cooked under a preheated oven grill for seven minutes at about 240C (475F).

The bacon should then be placed between two slices of farmhouse bread, 1cm to 2cm thick.

I'd never have thought of doing that. Brilliant, these food scientists.

I certainly couldn't use this to achieve the same result:

N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta, where N=force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon, fb=function of the bacon type, fc=function of the condiment/filling effect, Ts=serving temperature, tc=cooking time, ta=time or duration of application of condiment/filling, cm=cooking method, C=Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.

I used to have a cooker which featured a Newton scale, but all my ready meals had instructions in Kelvins, so I got rid of it. What a fool, eh?

---

In the (somewhat forlorn) hope that this bacon breakthrough will prompt further pursuit of culinary perfection I will offer a special prize* to anyone who can come up with a formula or recipe for the following:

1. a cup of coffee anyone would want to drink (inside the UK)
2. a cup of tea anyone would want to drink (rest of the world)

It can't be that hard chaps. Jump to it!

*a lock of my hair (from my head, not the plughole, I promise)

New Blogger and the opening spot

Wow, after many moons, I've been transfered to the "new" Blogger.

I doubt this will increase the quality of the posts, but it may improve things in other ways. We'll see.

Anyway, as I listen to England struggling against Australia (again) I can't help thinking how things might be different if this man were in the Caribbean.

Jam today and tomorrow

Dear all,

I realised a dream today.

A dream that is shared by all young boys, but takes time to accomplish.

Yes, I did something for the first time which just might change my life forever.

You've guessed it, I drove a tractor!

More impressively, I safely negotiated a number of small trees in the field (swerving to avoid them, not running them over) and kept the big orange monster out of the stream running nearby.

This has put me in a thoroughly good mood, increased by the fact I'm off on holiday to Spain tomorrow. I'll finally get to see Picasso's "Guernica", which has wowed readers of English coursebooks for years.

To celebrate my bonhomie, a short but sweet cartoon from the little mole:



More blogging in a week or so.

Qualified success

As the England football team stumbles hopelessly and goallessly forward under the leadership of the braying, orange Steve McClaren, a man who clearly wants to spend the summer of 2008 watching the Olympics from his luxury mansion rather than the European Championships from the intimate confines of the dugout, I can report some actual successes on the sporting field.

Firstly I should congratulate the England cricket team who have, for the first time since 1992, avoided being knocked out in the first round of a world cup. This means a guaranteed six more matches in the super 8 stage and with any luck a couple of victories, against Ireland and Bangladesh. To get to the semis we'll have to beat one or two of the big boys. I'd say we have a chance against the Windies, but I think we'll struggle against South Africa, Australia and Sri Lanka. I'm sticking with my tip of NZ to win the thing overall.

Secondly, Portugal have achieved their aim of qualifying for the rugby world cup. You may recall I went to see the home leg a fortnight ago, where they defeated Uruguay 12-5. Well, they lost the return in Montevideo 18-12 last night, but got through 24-23 on aggregate. Congratulations to them - it's good to see rugby growing in popularity around the world - although I doubt they'll record a positive result in a group including New Zealand, Italy, Scotland and Romania. Well, perhaps against Scotland.

Hitting the right note

Danny Finkelstein is looking for right-wing music. Beyond the obvious Wagner or Elvis and the string-em-up tendencies of the Gilbert and Sullivan set, the cupboard is a little bare. Danny’s inspiration for this was the American rocker, Ted Nugent, who is a prominent member of the National Rifle Association.

By coincidence, I saw Nugent the other day on “Cribs”, MTV’s version of "Through the Keyhole", where overpaid musicians and actors expose their appalling lack of decorative taste. As with most Cribbers, Nugent has a large pad with more TVs than anyone could realistically watch. Unlike the Timberlakes and Timbalands of this world, though, Ted Nugent’s house is adorned with the paraphernalia and trophies of his life’s passion: hunting. A zebra’s head peers from out of the hall wall across at a Canadian black bear, and there are more guns and bows than a small army would need. “I’m just living the American dream,” he says. Truly Ted Nugent is a musical voice on the right of the political spectrum.

Who else could we put in this category? Well, there’s a certain Thatcherite sentiment to ABBA’s "The Winner Takes it All" (belying the notion that all Swedes are happy socialists), balanced by Nick Berry’s strictly Old Labour "Every Loser Wins". And several successful artists have relocated over the years to avoid paying exorbitant tax rates in the UK: one can assume they are opponents of “big” government. These names include Led Zeppelin and Phil Collins (how many were inspired to vote Labour when he promised to leave the country if they got in? I know I was). Abroad, the situation is the same – legendary Frenchman, Jonny Hallyday is living in Switzerland to reduce his tax burden, and, while extolling the virtues of giving to the needy, Bono and his U2 chums have moved their business interests to the Netherlands to cut the amount they have to give to the Exchequer.

Back to the main point, though, I think there is only one winner in the right-wing music stakes. Reminiscent of Engelbert Humperdinck’s priceless “Lesbian Seagull”, below we have former US Attorney General, John Ashcroft, singing his own “Let the Eagle Soar”, a paean to the best of the United States. Lest we forget, Ashcroft was appointed by Dubya as Attorney General after he lost his Senate seat to a dead man in the 2000 election. Suffice to say the dead man probably has a better ear for a tune too. Apologies for the wobbly camera, I think the person videoing this is laughing quite heartily.



And for some right-wing comedians, that other rare beast, click here.

The lowest form of transport

England attempt to get their World Cup campaign back on track this afternoon against Canada, but will do so without their talismanic all-rounder, Freddie Flintoff, who has been dropped for a "breach of team discipline".

According to reports, Flintoff capsized a pedalo and had to be rescued from the chilly depths in the middle of the night. There can be no more pathetic vehicle on land or sea (not even a golf cart) and somehow this story sums up the sad state of English cricket, which is listing desperately at the moment and could be holed below the water line by the Canucks this afternoon.

Although, I enjoyed Bangladesh (I think I predicted they might beat India?)and Ireland emerging victorious yesterday, I hope they don't provide too much inspiration for our maple-syrup glugging cousins. News is they've won the toss and put us in. Let's try to get a big score and take a step closer to the Super 8s.

Bloody Blogger etc

Will try to post regularly over the next few weeks, but Blogger is quite temperamental in terms of letting me log in and actually do anything useful.

While I'm allowed access at the moment, I'll just say well done to the West Indies for their victory yesterday (told you Pakistan weren't up to much) and good luck to the Jocks against Australia this afternoon.

Yesterday I used the Elton John classic, Rocket Man, in one of my classes. Thus I am honour-bound to post this reworking by a famous space captain. Enjoy...

2007 World Cup 2: Cricket

Sixteen nations. Twelve grounds in nine countries. Seven weeks. Fifty-one matches. One winner.

That's the Cricket World Cup in numbers, but how will it play out? I am, of course, looking forward to it immensely, as I think most cricket fans are. It's much too long, due to a schedule that prevents more than one match taking place on any particular day, but as a tournament, it's almost completely wide open, which should provide us with some great cricket over the next few weeks.

Here's my hastily cobbled together preview:

I suppose that, despite their recent defeats to England and New Zealand, Australia just about enter the tourney as favourites. They have experience and quality throughout their team and cannot be written off by anyone. However, there is some question about their bowling, with Brett Lee out, and Glenn McGrath at the end of his career. A lot will be expected of Nathan Bracken and Stuart Clark (a great record in tests, but less good in the short form). Ponting, Gilchrist and Hussey are the backbone of a great batting lineup.

England will have some confidence from their recent success in Australia and will be boosted by the return of Kevin Pietersen to the side. If he and Flintoff can hit top form, we'll be able to chase most targets and post challenging ones for other teams. The major weakness is a lack of experience amongst the squad, with only two 100 cap players (Flintoff and Collingwood). We also lack an attacking presence at the top of the batting order, which means we could get bogged down in the scoring. However, the pitches in the West Indies are unproven and possibly tricky, so it could be an advantage to have classic batting stylists such as Bell and Vaughan who are able to build a platform on their superior technique, rather than slogging (sorry, pinch-hitting) early on. Maybe. If we can beat New Zealand on Friday, we can count ourselves in with a shout.

Conversely, the Kiwis will be among the favourites if they can beat us. Their hopes rest on the injury-prone Shane Bond. If he's fit, he'll probably be the best fast bowler in the competition and can run through teams like the proverbial through a goose. His record against the Aussies is particularly good. But, if, as so often, he gets injured, New Zealand might lack a cutting edge.

The hosts, the West Indies, are probably my second favourite team, but I'm not sure they'll make it beyond the Super 8s. They have the batsmen to cut it in the short game (Gayle, Chanderpaul, Sarwan and, of course, the peerless Brian Lara) but I don't think their bowling is world class at the moment. Still, the crowds will be behind them and their performance will dictate how successful the tournament is. I think they'll start with a win against Pakistan tomorrow.

The number one ranked team is South Africa, and they have a very strong and experienced squad. I think they could well get to the semis, and their group game against Australia could prove crucial to their chances. The question is whether they can hold their nerve when the pressure is on - something they've failed to do in the past couple of World Cups. I don't think you can write off any team that can chase 435 and win, though.

Among the teams from the sub-continent, India and Sri Lanka are strongly tipped. They are in the same group, so their game should be one of the highlights of the first round. I think both have the potential to get to the semis and slow pitches should suit their games. A spanner could be thrown in the works by Bangladesh, who are also in their group, and who are the strongest of the "outsiders". I fancy them to give India and Sri Lanka a good game and wouldn't be surprised if they came out with a victory: their medium pacers could pose a few threats on sluggish surfaces. Bizarrely, I don't fancy Pakistan to do well at all - their bowling is short without Asif and Shoaib (drugs cheats who are both injured) - although their batting can be very dangerous.

The minnows in the tournament are Bermuda, Scotland, Canada, Ireland, Kenya and Holland and they'll be happy to beat each other in the group stages. Mind you, Kenya got to the semis in bizarre circumstances last time so I suppose nothing is impossible. Ireland should have a chance to beat Zimbabwe, the weakest test nation.

So, it all kicks off tomorrow, with Windies against Pakistan. I suspect I'll be spending a lot of time on cricinfo between now and the end of April.

2007 World Cup 1: Rugby

Although most egg-chasing eyes are on the Six Nations as that particular tournament reaches its climax, those of us who don't live in the British Isles, France or Italy have to get our fix elsewhere. And what better place than Lisbon's lovely University Stadium, lined with fragrant eucalyptus and pine trees, to watch the play-off for the final place in the Rugby World Cup, to be held in France this Autumn.

Before I got here, I didn't realise they even played rugby in Portugal, let alone that the national team was actually fairly competitive. Anyway, it turns out Portugal aren't bad at all and are taking on Uruguay over two legs for a chance to play in the main event later this year.

We watched the first match yesterday (free entry and a free scarf (not necessary in the 20 degree sunshine) and in front of an enthusiastic crowd, Portugal prevailed 12-5 in a largely attritional affair. They probably just deserved the victory, taking advantage of two Uruguayan sin-binnings to score their two tries. They were a bit unfortunate to concede a late try in the final minute, but I guess it leaves things finely poised for the return leg in Montevideo in a couple of weeks.

I hope Portugal can get through, as it would be great to have a new country at the World Cup, and given their defensive strength (very well drilled, I thought) I think their noses are just ahead.

Will write about the cricket later, am now off to watch second half of Chelsea-Spurs. (C'mon you spuds!)

Champions League: Last 8 Draw

This should be good, there are three English teams left and they are the bookies' favourites for the big cup. I wonder if they can avoid each other?

- Hosted by Matthew Lorenzo, who used to be on London Tonight. Bit of a step up from Brentford against Southend.

- Boring preamble with Ludovic Guily. Yawn. Get on with it!

- They'll be drawing the semis today as well. Oh, here comes Platini - new UEFA Prezz. He's giving the cup to the mayor of Athens (where the final will be held at the end of May). A chap called Timon, apparently.

- Timon has a fetching orange tie. It's rather more exciting than his speech. Phew, he's finished.

- Who will have their hands on the balls? It's none other than a bald bloke and a bloke with hair. I think one is the Tango man.

- Ex-Leicester star Theo Zagorakis is now chewing the fat with Lorenzo. When will they draw the thing?

- Aha, Tango man is presenting. Hair man and Theo will pull out the teams. The audience of journos and club chairmen is struggling to stay awake.

- After nearly 20 minutes, we're ready to go:

AC Milan v. Bayern Munich - A clash of the titans first up. Rather increases the chance of Liverpool v Chelsea

PSV Eindhoven v. Liverpool - Yeah, woo! Excellent! Should win this one no probs. Of course, that's what Arsenal said last time. Good draw for the reds, though.

AS Roma v. Manchester United -The English teams have avoided each other. United will fancy their chances here.

Chelsea v. Valencia - A tricky assignment for Mourinho and co, but I think they'll win over two legs.

- Now for the semi-final pairings:

Chelsea or Valencia v. PSV or Liverpool - if Liverpool do get through, Benitez will play his old club, or his nemesis, Mourinho. He'd love it if he beat them.

Milan or Bayern v. Roma or Man Utd - tough route for United to get to the final, but I'd still tip them to do so.

- I don't believe this, they're drawing the final, too. Surprise, surprise, it's the winners of semi-final 2 against the winners of semi-final 1.

- Thank god that's over. Let's hope the matches themselves are more exciting than this nonsense.

Those Oscars in brief

Well done to Martin Scorsese for finally winning a little gold statuette after so many years of failure. I accidentally watched "The Departed" last night (I'd intended to see "The Last King of Scotland", as I've always been interested in James I/VI, but the bus was late so I plumped for next best choice) and was pleasantly surprised. Not that it's a pleasant film, with lots of shootings and Alec Baldwin, but it is well written and directed, and probably deserves the gongs it's received.

The acting is also pretty sharp, with "Marky" Mark Wahlberg in a great little fast-talking role. Reminded me of when he used to rap for a living.

I haven't seen "The Queen" yet, although I'm sure it will be shown on telly when Brenda finally pops her clogs. I am, of course, a huge fan of Helen Mirren. I think my favourite film of hers is "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover", in which she plays the (frequently naked) wife. I also enjoyed "Excalibur", where she plays the scantily clad Morgana, "Caligula", where she's a saucy nymphomaniac, and er, "Calendar Girls", where she struggles to keep her clothes on, even as a middle-aged housewife. A fine body, of work, to be sure, and a worthy recipient of the Breast Actress, I mean, Best Actress Oscar.

Carnival

Well, this being a Catholic country, the people don't start their countdown to Easter with anything as mundane as a pancake race. No, the burghers of Torres Vedras take to the streets in a five day orgy of dressing up and drinking.

Of course, being averse to such frivolity, I headed inland to the Alentejo for the first few days, taking advantage of my holiday time to see a bit more of the country.

However, I didn't want to miss all the fun, so yesterday we went and had a look at the final parade. The carnival in T.V. is famous as "the most Portuguese in Portugal" and has a lot of very good floats. This year's theme was "The People of the World", which was the cue for hundreds of people to dress in the crudest stereotypes of Egyptians, Chinese, Japanese, Hawaiians, Native Americans, Austrians and gypsies. There were also a good few dressed as Scots; seeing them cavort around drunkenly reminded me of Edinburgh on a Saturday night.

Here is a video I took of one of the floats. The tradition here is to throw balls of paper to the crowds, who then throw them back - less dangerous than the Mardi Gras beads, eggs and kittens chucked about in some other towns.



Here are some more snaps of the other major floats:

Apologies for absence

Hi all,

Sorry for the non-posting for a bit - a combination of going away, having the flu (bloody turkey sandwiches) and Blogger being a useless website that doesn't always let me login.

Will rectify now with updates.

Another seasonal message

Happy Valentine's Day from the little mole:

David Cameron and other news

How's about this for a new slogan?

"You don't have to be on drugs to vote Conservative, but it helps."


When will we get a proper discussion about drugs amongst politicians? There can't be anyone under 40 (Mr Cameron's age) who hasn't either tried pot or seen someone else smoke it, can there? Cannabis-fuelled sessions on the Playstation 2 are a major part of British life, aren't they? Or maybe Mike Skinner was wrong.

Meanwhile in the tropical south (17 degrees today), the Portuguese have said "Yes" to abortion in a referendum. A good thing, I think. The large number of abstentions (58%) means the result is not binding, but the government has promised to push the legislation through anyway. Only Ireland, Poland and Malta will now have super-strict abortion laws (Beeb guide here) in the European Union.

Finally, went to see Scoop, the latest Woody Allen film, with R yesterday. Quite a jolly little picture, and it's always encouraging to see Ian "Lovejoy" McShane getting gainful employment, even as a ghost. Best line went to the director (as usual): "I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but I converted to narcissism".

I'll try to post in the next few days, but if not I'll deffo do a report about carnaval next week.

Worth comment

Finally something worth blogging about! England have won the one-day series! 2-0! In Australia! Break out the bubbly! Ring the bells! Don't bet on us for the World Cup, whatever you do!

Well done to the lads down under. They've had one hell of a tough tour and although it was far too long, at least they'll be coming home with some sense of pride intact. Paul Collingwood and Liam Plunkett have done particularly well (maybe it's the Australian weather they get in Durham) but the whole team deserves credit, especially Andrew Flintoff, who perhaps isn't a bad captain after all.

Let's hope they can play with as much fight in the West Indies. If we can get past Canada and Kenya in the group stage, the dream might just be realised.

Joy unconfined!

Aah, the happiness when one turns the TV on to find them showing "The Jerk", with Steve Martin at his best. I missed this scene, which is near the start, but the rest of the film is almost as good:

We don't need no thought control

Alan Johnson is proposing changes to geography teaching in schools so that children can learn more about climate change:

If we can instil in the next generation an understanding of how our actions can mitigate or cause global warming then we lock in a culture change that could, quite literally, save the world.

I think this is a little over-stated, but probably fair enough, as the environment is an important issue and kids, generally speaking, are interested in it.

I'm not sure, though, that all his proposals are about increasing young people's knowledge, rather they seem to be a thinly disguised attack on global capitalism:

Importing food from the other side of the world and unnecessary airplane travel have become significant sources of CO2 pollution and children should be aware of these consequences.

Similarly, the importance of reducing fossil fuels and the effects of shifting clothes manufacturing to developing economies are all issues worth of study and debate in our classrooms.

I hope there will be plenty of emphasis on the fact that air travel makes up only a very small part of global emissions, and that deforestation in the Amazon and elsewhere (long a staple of the geography curriculum), and the construction of new power stations throughout the developing world are still much greater contibutors to the carbon mix.

(Just as an aside, does "airplane travel" stick in anyone else's craw? Surely "aeroplane travel" or "air travel" is the correct British English term?)

I also hope the stuff about shifting clothes manufacturing is not just a "globalisation bad, localism good" argument, because the reality is somewhat more complicated than that. If developing countries can sustain a successful textile industry, they become richer, helping lift their populations out of poverty. Money that countries like Bangladesh or Indonesia can earn from exports is massively important to their economies and buying goods from such places is not always a negative thing for us in the West to do.

The reason I'm a little cynical about AJ's ideas is this paragraph:

Children have a dual role as consumers and influences. Educating them about the impact of getting an extra pair of trainers for fashion's sake is as important as the pressure they put on their parents not to buy a gas-guzzling family car.

When the Education Secretary describes children as "consumers and influencers", I'm a little worried. Our priority should be educating them to read, write and add up (which many of our schools are failing to do adequately) and then equip them with the tools to analyse evidence and make sensible decisions for themselves as they go through life.

The last sentence, about gas-guzzlers, has me thinking about the real agenda here: the Government wants our kids to do what the congestion charge and road-pricing can't, namely get SUVs off the streets. Or am I reading too much into this?

It's been a while...

...since I last posted.

No excuse, except that I haven't had much to say. I'll try to make up for it today.

It's also been a while since England beat Australia at cricket (yes, unbelievably, we're still playing them). Even more unbelievably, that run of consecutive defeats has just come to an end.

Joyce inspires England to victory

It's not going to lead to World Cup glory, but it will bring some much needed cheer to the England dressing room. Special praise should go to Ed Joyce, with a century at the top of the order, and Liam Plunkett, who took 3-24 with the ball.

Let's hope we can make it to the finals of this series and, who knows, perhaps we can spring another surprise?